Thursday, August 30, 2012

PYHO: What Hurts The Most

I'm a day late with this link-up and I know I probably won't get much return readership because of it, but this is a Meme I've been considering doing for a while now.  From now on, Wednesdays will be my PYHO day, where I share something close to the heart, something that is bothering me or weighing on my heart and mind.  Please be gentle...I am a Pisces afterall...

I think that everyone has a need to feel important.  You read all the self-help stuff, inspirational quotes and such that tell you to "love yourself", "be important to you", etc, and all of that is fine and well, but it truly isn't the same as feeling loved and important to someone else.

These are feelings that we're supposed to get from our family, be it the one that raised us, or the ones we raise and most especially from our partner.

I never had it as a child growing up.  It was missing in my first marriage.  I had hoped that my 2nd marriage would be different, and sometimes it is, but lately...well, lately I'm just not feeling it anymore.

My husband works out of town Sunday through Thursday.  He's worked for this company before, and they worked out of town on a job for almost a year and it was a spectacular disaster.  Granted, at the time, we were pretty young and I was going through what I didn't know at the time was a false pregnancy, I got diagnosed again with Hypertension and I had a handful of other health problems flaring up.  I needed him home and he couldn't be and it caused a lot of arguments.

Fast forward to last May, when he brought up working for the company again.  I wasn't over-joyed with the idea.  I remember what it was like before.  But, we're both older and I thought life had settled down some since then.  He basically told me that this kind of work (which isn't what he'd been doing since leaving the company) was the only kind of work that had ever made him happy.  What was I supposed to say?

I told him that if it was what he wanted, go for it, but we'd really have to work together to make things work with him being gone all the time.  He agreed.

Since then though, when he's gone during the week, it's almost like he has a different life.  One that doesn't include me.  Our communication, even at night when the work is done and their at the house they're renting down there for the night, is next to non-existent.  We barely talk.  When we do, he's distracted and talking to the guys he works with, one in particular.  I've tried and tried to feel like we're still connected, still a team, even when he's gone, but he just doesn't seem to be interested.  And we're fighting again.  A lot.

I've tried targeting shows we normally would watch together if he were home and asking him if we can watch them together now and either talk on the phone or text while we watch...give me some kind of feeling of connection.  He says he will, then gets tied up doing stuff "with the guys" and is a no-show, or is late, or he falls asleep.  He'll put his phone on charge and forget about it for hours and won't answer texts or phone calls and say he lost track of time.

When I confront him with it, he claims it was an honest mistake or whatever and gets mad at me for being upset or feeling let down.  When I say we won't make those kinds of plans anymore since he's obviously too busy, he insists that we do and promises that next time will be different, but it never is.

I've even suggested that maybe we needed to separate (which I really don't want), even just for a while, while he decides what he wants because it feels like he's no longer in this with me and he freaks out and begs me not to leave.

 I don't know what to do anymore.  He's the love of my life, and our relationship has SO many good points to it when he's not working away from home.  I kept telling myself that it was only until the end of the year and I could suffer through it, but now I hear rumors from one of the other guys wives that the company is planning to bid on another job there, which means another year (or more) of them working there.  I honestly don't know if I can take another year.

He says he needs to work for them for 3 years to get the experience he needs to apply for the same kind of work locally, but I just don't see me being able to do it if it continues to be like this.

I'm at a loss and seriously don't know what to do anymore.

I know that no one can tell me what to do about my life, or my marriage, but I just needed to get it off my chest and I really don't have anyone to talk to about things anymore, so I figured I'd do it here.


  1. Oh, that would be so hard. You have to find a way to communicate when he's out of town. :( Or maybe try planning special events for when he is home?

  2. The kids and grandbaby keep us running ragged on the weekends, so there's rarely time for "us time" then either. One of the reasons I'm at such a loss. Thanks for stopping by.

  3. I'm sorry you are going through this rough time...not an easy situation. Hold on to the good stuff as long as you can and hopefully it will help you make it through. **hugs** Thanks for stopping my my blog and your kind words. :)

  4. I'm trying to, and hoping that it will be enough. Thank you so much for the return visit. Hugs to you as well.

  5. This sounds tough. I'm sorry you are going through it. On a light note, I smiled at your Pisces reference. One of my children is SUCH a Pisces! :)

  6. wow - this is SO deep and honestly, something that touches my heart as well. my husband travels all week for work, and while we somehow have stuck together through (mostly) thin times, it is so hard to feel like the "soulmate" connection has faded somehow. I wish I had better words of encouragement for you. I think getting your feelings out here is so good for the heart and soul. And i hope that somehow, something can happen to connect the two of you again like you once were.

  7. Thank you, and I must admit, I'm a total Pisces.

  8. Thank you, Terra. I hope so, too, and I'm sorry that you have experienced similar feelings.

  9. I am sorry that you're going through this right now, Mama.

    I wish I had words of encouragement for you.

    Just know that I'm here if you need me.

    Love and hugs to you.


  10. Thank you, Stasha. You know your friendship means so much to me. Love and hugs back.

  11. This sounds like you are really struggling. I'm sorry. I don't have any real advice other than if your marriage is worth saving, then do everything you can to save it! It sounds like you need to find him a new job.

  12. I'm working on trying to save it. Unfortunately, finding him a new right now isn't an option. Thanks for stopping by, Sandy!

  13. I agree with Shell. Finding a better way to communicate while you're apart is key. My Hubs travels for work quite a bit. He used to call me several times a day when he was on a trip. We would text constantly and watch our shows together on the phone. Five years later, I suppose the spark isn't the same, and we don't communicate as often. But I know he stills loves me, even if our love isn't new anymore. I suppose I don't act the same way I did in the beginning either. But it is hard not to take it personally and read too much into it. It's hard not assume he's enjoying his freedom and is happier away from home. I'm a Pisces, too, in case you couldn't tell. Keep trying to talk to him and let him know what you need. Best of luck!