Sunday, July 8, 2012

Sunday Dump

I won't even pretend I'm not inspired by Fadra from All Things Fadra and her Stream Of Consciousness Sunday meme. The truth is, though, I don't have time at the moment to do the blog hopping involved in participating and I also tend to bend the rules and just dump for however long it takes.

If you feel so inclined, please go join the link-up at Fadra's and if you do, leave me a link to your post in the comments and I'll stop by. You won't find a nicer bunch to spend your Sunday with.

Now, on to my dump...

I think I've avoided my Dad today. Not out of spite or anger, but just because I need some "me time". I think I've earned it.

In the last few weeks, instead of dealing with my own grief, I've tried to stay strong for those that needed me. Now, I'm not planning to spend the night crying. If it happens, it happens and I think I'm entitled if it does, but right now, I just need the world to back off for a minute and let me get my shit together.

I need a minute to just be me with just my own worries and problems.

I feel like I'm in one of those over-dramatic movie scenes where the woman in a long, flowing dress stands barefoot on a cliff overlooking the sea with that spaced out look on her face. I'm never certain if she's just thinking or if she's gonna jump. That's how I feel right now.

I'm pretty sure if everyone could just handle their own shit for 5 minutes, I might be ok...but if one more person demands I handle someone else's shit, I might jump.

I have to admit, though it'll probably piss a few people off, I'm even a little pissed at Mom right now.

There's no way she couldn't have known what kind of shape Dad's in. Mentally, emotionally, financially. She knew.

My brother and I nearly committed Dad at the first of the year. Mom cried and begged us not to so we backed off.

Now, the one person he'd listen to is gone. No one can do anything except stand back and watch and hope for the best. No one will do anything but lay it at my feet.

I feel like I should have had help and I didn't really except advice from Aunt D. I still don't know what I would have done without her.

Draco left to go back out of town today and it hit me that I was going to be alone tonight. Really alone. I am now.

Right now, I'm just trying to get things off my chest so maybe I can relax for a change.

After this, I think I'll just putter around the house for a bit and see how I feel. E said if it gets too bad to come have coffee at her work and I might. We'll see.

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